Dealing with Difficult People

In Doug Fields' book "Your First Two Years in Youth Ministry" he has a great chapter called "Why all the conflict? Dealing with difficult people."

First of all, Doug is easily one of my youth ministry heroes. Beyond that, this book and this chapter are so helpful. In dealing with personal conflict he offers this great outline for a face-to-face conversation:

Observation (apparant behavior)

Using "I" statements, describe the situation without labeling or defensiveness. "Hey, I'm hearing you make negative statements to our students about our ministry." Then have real examples of what they did/said. "You said things like, 'That won't work' or 'How can we do that' at two of our weekly programs."

Interpretation (apparant behavior)

Offer your own interp on why they are doing this. "i'm wondering if you you're feeling like we aren't thinking through all the details."

Feeling (how it affects you)

This is important that they know how this behavior makes you feel and how it is affecting the ministry. "I feel like you are communicating division and a lack of respect for others on this team."

Desired outcome (mutual resolution)

What is your goal? What do you want to see happen because of this conversation? "I'm wondering if you'd be willing to outline the details you think we are overlooking. Maybe we can talk about this privately so our students don't hear them first. what do you think?"


As I head into a difficult conversation with a parent, this outline has provided some great help for me today.